I am beginning to wonder is life a race? and when is enough enough?
Why is it when everything you have been working so hard on to achieve suddenly have a bump bigger than what you were prepared for. The ups and downs in life are plenty and we are all aware of them and somehow expect them.  
Why is it when you go through these ups and downs on the downs you seem to regroup within and start to analyse every aspect of your life.  Is it just a women thing.
Currently I feel like I am 12 again, at the pool awaiting for the start gun to go off, except I could not dive off the block and had to go from the side of the pool.  To make matters worse the bathing suit my mum had bought me went translucent on impact of water.  Not great when your 12, the heckling and little comments and you think it couldn't get any worse.
Now at the tender age of 42 I begin to wonder have I let my life become too translucent and is the race of life for achievement all in my head.
Some people namely your friends and family think your successful and have achieved the impossible while others still think it isn't enough. Can they see straight through me.
Reflecting on it all is it us that set the bar so high, is there something wrong with wanting more and why do we do it?  When the falls can be so hard. 
The disappointment of not getting the location, the finance and all the bits that join it together makes it feel like a race and is there a finishing line when you will be happy with it all.
As they say one door closes and one door opens, so that's what keeps me going that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, eventually it will all come together. Timing is everything like in a race.  
I have to remember it's only the beginning of my race and it can be short or long whatever I make it after all it is my race and nobody else's.


T x

It's funny how during periods of your life music seems to pick up your tone of mood, maybe coincidence I do not know. During the end of 2011 it was Kelly Clarkson now as I unpack my bag from a holiday that never happened Emeli Sande' seems to try and soothe me or put everything you want to say into the right words. "where I sleep" has such beautiful words

"river" makes me think and is their people out there with so much depth. "clown" says it all right now with words like cleared the way for my crash landing. No truer words to be said at the moment.

I am luckier than most and I suppose thats what keeps you going, so many other people have harder times and you need to look at the positives. Thats what I keep telling myself. I suppose we are all self involved if the truth be known.

I did wonder though when I was experiencing my situation how many men or women are waiting at the church and their partner does not arrive. It made me even sadder but somethings are not meant to be understood just forgiven.


I am grateful for my friends and family who have helped pick me up when it all seems a mess with business or personal. One day I will find my home.


T x